On Creativity & Art:

For me, creating art is a way of remembering my authenticity. It helps me get to the truth of who I really am.

I cannot lie to myself when I’m creating. If I’m copying another, following a trend, or creating to please, I will know because it won’t feel good.

Authentic creation feels like play. There is no end goal. You’re not even focused on results, you’re focused on the process. It’s the act that matters, not what the act produces. If I’m creating without integrity, it feels like work. Like I’m trying to meet a deadline at a boring job. There’s simply no spark.

I always look back to when I was a kid. I created like it was nothing. From rock empires to clay sculptures to oil paintings. I used whatever medium was available to me. It was effortless & natural—was pure exploration. “Look at what I can make.” As I got older, I created less and less. I put rules around it, dawned a pressure to perform in a certain way.

It makes me sad to think about because eventually I had made up so many rules that I stopped creating altogether. It felt like a light went out inside of me, like day shifted to night and stayed that way. The very thing that gave me so much life, withered and died.

This coincided with an obsession of how I would be perceived. I started molding myself to fit other people’s narratives. I guess I felt if I could try on someone else’s identity then maybe I’d be safe. Maybe no one would notice me…

I did always love to hide.

So, I started to suppress everything about myself that did not fit into the “this is lovable” box. I started copying what other people were doing, saying, wearing, etc. I started to completely lose myself. This made me sick. The more I became a shadow—a shape-shifting, people-pleasing, formless creature—the sicker I got. My body became the messenger of a forgotten language: FEELINGS. MY feelings. The ones I had stopped listening to in order to keep the peace.

It is the saddest thing to see people lose themselves like I did. There is nothing more detrimental and selfish than denying yourself (and the world) of who you truly are. Your talents, gifts, opinions, love, etc.It is the greatest act of disservice one can commit, and I committed it for years.

Through my healing process, I have learned that true success is being okay with being yourself. This is the definition of well-BEING. When you can show up unapologetically and stand in the truth of who you are, unthreatened by how you are perceived by others.

With my lack of identity, I thought I’d never create again. We’re always “creating” in the manifestation sense, but I’m referring to my artistic expression. I’m grateful to say I have been, and that doing so is helping me unravel who I thought I needed to be in order to be loved. It’s helping me to find who I am again and create a solid sense of self. One that doesn’t need to hide because she knows she can handle the heat that comes from stepping into the light.