Hermit mode: How becoming reclusive changed my life

5 years ago, I nearly lost my life. My logical brain chalks up my near demise at the age of 19 as being caused by a preexisting illness. But other parts of me knew that the real death taking place was a metaphorical one. That what looked like an ending was actually a transformation.

Again, my brain didn’t know this. Just looking at things from the outside, I was scared shitless.

I must say, there is nothing that will peel away all the bullshit like nearly losing your life. Everything else becomes null & void—bills, relationships, what kind of car you drive, etc. None of that stuff matters anymore. It’s just one question rolling around in your mind: How do I make it through this?

My experience with almost dying physically and most definitely dying energetically, completely changed my life. It was a full-on rock bottom. The kind where nothing is left untouched. I lost my ability to function, my ability to work, my car, my friends, my money…everything. It was a complete breakdown of every existing structure in my life.

But, with all that I’d lost, I also gained a lot. I’m of the belief that rock bottom’s happen in our lives when we have stopped listening to our inner guidance. When we are staying stuck in spaces that no longer suit us or our needs. When we don’t know how to let go of the old, the Universe will force us to by making things uncomfortable. Looking back, I see it as such a gift. Everything that left, needed to go in order to make space for something new.

When the proverbial tower crumbled, I receded away, crawling into my shell. This is what I needed in order to process the events that happened, but also to rediscover who I was. I was so enmeshed in other people’s identities that I’d forgotten to develop my own. I felt completely lost, having no clue what I wanted or valued other than what I was told to want and value. I was a complete stranger to myself.

Taking time to go within allowed me to develop new aspects of myself I didn’t even know existed. I became self-aware, I learned how to be insightful, I learned what truly matters to me. I discovered that I had depth, that there was actually so much more to me as a person than could be seen from the outside, kind of like an iceberg. But most importantly, I developed new gifts—gifts that aren’t always given as much value as surface level stuff, but are much needed in this world.

Going hermit mode definitely wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. A lot of that time was spent feeling like I’m going crazy and having others definitely think I’m crazy. But the time spent with just me was necessary. It’s something I will cherish forever.

Learning who you are helps you understand the world better, understand people better. There is just something so invaluable about self-reflection. Developing your inner world is just as important as working on external things.

Now, I am feeling the call to come out into the world more which is definitely a little scary, but I’m taking it step by step. I feel that I finally know myself and what I need well enough to happily co-exist with others. And I have accepted that I am human, I am an animal, and I have cycles. I am not always meant to hide in my cave, and I’m not always meant to be out traversing the world. I always thought of life and functionality as this linear mountain climb that continuously goes upward. Maturity has taught me that’s not the case. We go in and out just like the tide, just like nature. It’s okay to let go of preconceived ideas about what your path is supposed to look like and just flow where the water takes you.