GRAND ILLUSION

I’m nearing the end of my luteal phase (the time when the emotionally turbulent waters start churning). I always end up unearthing the most deep-seated psychological patterns in this phase of my cycle. Not really sure why.

During one of my journaling sessions—Well, mostly crying and a little bit of journaling—I felt guided to check in with my inner child. Now, I know people throw that term around like it’s nothing these days. I am of the belief that what people refer to as “the inner child” is actually just the primitive, hardwiring of our nervous system that mostly takes place when we are young. It’s the part of us that feels small because it is. It’s the part of us that feels limited because it is. It’s the part that feels vulnerable because IT IS. All of these things which we readily associate with children—small, limited (needing care, guidance, & protection from an outside source), and vulnerable.

Our nervous system (I, speaking like I’m some sort of professional even though I’m not) makes us feel small because it wants to protect us. It is this kind of paradoxical, internalized child-parent dynamic. How that dynamic plays out is most likely based on what we witnessed through our early interactions with caretakers.

Anyway, I was talking to my inner child/hardwiring because, for a long time now, my desires have felt bad. The things I want and am trying to pursue are REALLY not feeling great. Now, this is my own doing, but it puts me in this weird dilemma. Desires are supposed to feel good btw, just so you know. They are supposed to be easy. Our desires should—ideally—flow like water. We should be able to manifest the things we want effortlessly. However, our big ole brains can get in the way and muck things up. Well, let me tell you, I got a big ole brain and she sure as hell does some mucking. My brain is the muck-shit-up queen.

When we rule too much with logic, or we have issues with control, manifesting can be a real pain in the ass. The detachment part can actually be very triggering and scary. You have to do lots of emotional regulation around the idea of disappointment. But, back to what I was saying about brains getting in the way. Well, somewhere along the way, my inner child got the messaging that she needed to be perfect in order to be worthy of the things she wants. Now, adult me knows this is absolute bullshit, and I deserve anything I want or need. Period. But little me is not convinced. She’s telling my brain, “Hey. I really don’t feel safe going after this thing because I was made to feel that I have to be perfect in order to have it and I’m not perfect so therefore I can’t have my wants & needs met and that’s painful so…” She also doesn’t know what a run on sentence is, but that’s okay. We’ll cut her some slack.

So, because she has this deeply ingrained belief that perfection is the payment for having desires, adult me feels like she’s slamming herself up against a brick wall.

I am trying my damnedest, but she will not budge. I’m doing the most, but she does not care. She does not understand force, but force is all I know. She is asking me to work with her limitations, to nurture her wounds. I am not sure I know how.

Because of this energetic language barrier, desiring things has become painful. My internal compass is spinning, unable to find true north. I keep doing things, reaching for things that will validate my beliefs—“Yes, you’re finally perfect enough to have what you want. Here’s the key! *TOSS”

This is the illusion I’ve always believed: that perfection is a requirement for happiness, for health, for love, for anything.

If you are relating to this, if you believe in this illusion too—you must realize (like I must) that this is an impossible task. It is inhuman to ask oneself of something like this. It is a deprivation & denial of your own inherent creative power.

Perfection is subjective. So, maybe we switch the terminology up and use the word satisfaction instead. What you and I are really looking for is satisfaction. We want to feel satiated…like something is enough. Like we are enough.

I have tried every tool I know to eradicate this perceived unworthiness. I’ve tried therapy, subconscious reprogramming, mindset work, etc. It never fully goes away. The only approach I haven’t tried yet is love, the unconditional kind. The kind that most of us only experience in little glimmers throughout our lives. The love that children need to feel so they don’t end up like me, hating the very things they want because they feel they can’t have them.

This blog post was not meant to be helpful. It was not meant to provide answers or a definitive solution to this problem. It’s merely for connection. Did I hold up a mirror for you? Can you see yourself in me? I hope so. Seeing that we all feel like this to some degree may be the only way our sense of imperfection can truly be overcome.

P.S. I created & taught a whole online course about DESIRE and manifestation. Yes, you read that right. God couldn’t have picked the most ill-qualified human to channel that through. Who knows, maybe that’s the whole point? The first step to mastery is often being so bad at something it drives you crazy until you figure it out.

This is a photograph of me when I was about 2 years old. I had a Cheeto obsession as you can probably tell. I think about this little version of me often. She is my greatest muse & inspiration. I often say to myself, “I want to grow up and be like her.”